Things that I'm totally unthankful for today:
Mornings. Proof that God is a sadist.
Sunshine. Don't wink at me, sun. What do you have to be so damn cheerful about?
Children. Should not be taken in public. If you don't stop crying, I will punt you. No, don't giggle either. How is it that there are no children in this city, but the airport is infested with them?
Wine. Unnatural drink. Wine is beer's bitchy cousin who always wears perfume that comes off slightly putrid mixed with her BO.
Man Who Just Winked At Me. I will emasculate you.
Terrorists. Because of you, I can no longer wear hoodies when I fly without being felt up by a 300 pound manlady named Janice.
Guy Who Just Sprawled On The Floor At My Feet. Dude, this is a nearly empty gate. Get a damn seat. See Man Who Just Winked At Me, above.
Dogs. Drooly pointless animals that people cling to to avoid facing the loneliness of their own sad lives. Should not be allowed to bark, and should at the very least be banned from airports. See Children, above.
Pants. Stupid invention, really.
Rainbows. It's a trick of light in your brain. Just because it's a shared hallucination doesn't mean it's not still a hallucination.
Hallucinations. No, wait, I'm actually very thankful for these. Sorry, got carried away.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends.
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